Thursday, December 30, 2010

me & The Mahatma (part deux)

Okay, I'm in the supermarket - Smith's, to be exact.
My basket contains milk, cheese (sharp cheddar), cottage cheese, Wheat Thins, brocolli, cauliflower, frozen pot pies (3), frozen pizza (2), paper towel, toilet paper, tall kitchen trash bags, Cheerios, Special K, and Kraft macaroni & cheese.
17 items.
I get in the express lane, "15 items or less".

The clerk refers me to another lane, for having more than 15 items.
Do you know who I am???

I'm The Mahatma!
I'm visiting my sister in New Jersey.
At the airport, at the TSA checkpoint, I strip down to my Speedos.
I beep when I go through the scanner.
Oh, yeah. I forgot about the tungsten nano-tube penile implant.
Do you know who I am?
I'm The Mahatma!

I go out with friends for a minor celebration - my AIDS test came back negative.
(The tungsten nano-tube penile implants really WORK!)
There are, what? Maybe 3 or 4 of us imbibing Guinness at local bar.
So, I'm not thinking too much when I get behind the wheel... then BANG! - within a block of my favorite bar I'm pulled over by some cop:
Have you been drinking, sir?
I guess I should be grateful that I've got Internet access here in the local jail.
Could be worse.
I could've been cut from American Idol.

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